Why tough conversations aren’t harassment – and how to have them well

You can’t performance manage people anymore – you’ll just be accused of harassment.

I’ve heard this so many times 🙄. And it’s just not true.

So, why do people say this?

I think some are genuinely misguided, but I think what many are really trying to say is:

“I know should performance manage this person, but I don’t know how to and I’m scared I’ll get it wrong”.

Here’s what is true: we mustn’t harass or bully our team members. Ever.

This has always been true in as much as it’s never been morally ok to mistreat our people, even if it’s been more socially and legally tolerable in the past (or remains more tolerable in different cultures and jurisdictions).

But here’s what’s also true: having a clear, calm and direct conversation about gaps in someone’s behavioural and/or technical performance, their responsibility for addressing those gaps, the support you’ll provide and the consequences of failing to close the gaps is not harassment. Or bullying. In fact, it’s not even unkind – if done right, it’s an act of service to the growth of the team member and broader team.

Not doing it is the moral equivalent of watching someone unwittingly walk into traffic and not trying to stop them.

And of course it makes sense to show prudent concern for the legal guidelines around harassment and bullying.

But prudent concern should be a mere stepping stone on which we briefly pause on the way to having the actual conversation.

A fear of getting it wrong should drive us to plan and prepare for a better conversation. Not to avoid it altogether.

So why do people avoid it? At it’s root is avoidance of discomfort. Just because we’re managers, it doesn’t mean we’re psychopaths. None of us feel great about these conversations.

As a result, I think those of us who get it wrong fall into two broad categories:

1. Cautious people who lack confidence to have a clear and direct conversation with someone about their performance, perhaps because they’re so unpracticed at clear and direct communication that it feels highly confrontational to them (when in reality it need not be at all, when done right)
2. Aggressive people who lack the emotional regulation to have a calm conversation with someone without losing their shit and completely overshooting the mark in clearly inappropriate ways

Neither group understands where the line from appropriate to inappropriate behaviour sits.

The former assumes they’re already pressing up against it when they haven’t made a peep.

The latter assumes they’ve got tonnes of latitude when in reality they blew past it ages ago.

So where does that leave us?

Good performance management isn’t about being too soft or too hard – it’s about being clear, fair and consistent.

Here are a few practical rules of thumb:

1. Say it early. The longer you wait, the bigger the problem becomes – for you and for them. If you address issues early, it’s just a conversation, not the end of the world.
2. Be specific. Vague feedback like “You need to improve” is useless. Instead, say: “Here’s what I expected, here’s what happened and here’s what needs to change”
3. Balance accountability with support. If they don’t know how to improve, that’s a management failure. If they do know and still don’t, that’s on them. Your job is to help remove barriers, not lower standards.
4. Stay calm, no matter what. If you’re nervous, prepare. If you’re angry, wait. The only way to hold people accountable effectively is to stay calm and steady.

Performance management isn’t harassment. It’s not bullying. It’s leadership.

So the next time you catch yourself hesitating to have a tough conversation, ask yourself this:

If you were in their shoes, wouldn’t you want to know?

Need help preparing for a tough conversation?

Imagine walking into a difficult performance conversation feeling calm, clear and grounded – knowing exactly what the issue is, how to articulate it and how you’ll respond if the conversation takes a different turn. Our management and leadership coaching gives you practical support to get there. Together we clarify the issue, structure what needs to be said, plan the conversation and rehearse possible responses so you’re not caught off guard. Instead of avoiding the moment, you walk in prepared, steady and confident – able to lead the conversation with clarity, fairness and integrity.