Staying quiet about bad behaviour isn’t loyalty – it’s cover for more bad behaviour

“Don’t tell on others” might be the dumbest lesson we carry from childhood into the workplace.

Most of us are taught when we’re young not to tell (or snitch, grass, dob etc.). This makes sense when it’s about trivial matters, but the problem is many of us internalise it as a broad principle that applies in all cases, no matter how bad the behaviour might be.

To the point that – in some cultures – the more staunch we are in not telling on others, the more virtuous we seem (this is something that’s pushed subtly by saying things like “mind your own business” and not so subtly by workplaces, unions and other in-groups who threaten those who speak up with ostracisation, humiliation and other punishments).

But this is absolutely bonkers.

Because staying quiet in the presence of bad behaviour doesn’t promote loyalty – it just provides cover for more bad behaviour.

Sometimes this is down to a lack of individual courage, but usually it’s because people don’t trust the workplace culture to protect them. It becomes a rational choice, because they believe the cost of speaking up is greater than the cost of enduring the bad behaviour.

Bullying is a good example of this.

When people witness or experience bullying, most people register it as wrong. But most of the same people also fear retaliation – from the bully, their peers, unions or even their bosses – for speaking up. So they stay quiet and the behaviour continues unchecked.

This is where leaders must cultivate the conditions that change the arithmetic at the individual level. How we respond to people sticking their neck out to report someone else’s bad behaviour is what determines how safe a culture is.

We can have all the values posters we like talking about psychologically safe workplaces, but they won’t mean anything if we hang people out to dry in situations like this.

Because, how we respond in moments like this *is* our culture – not words on a wall or catchy lines in a talk.

And to support this, we can:

• Provide training in non-violent communication (e.g. Crucial Conversations and the like) to all staff, so that they have the skills and confidence to address some of these issues directly and quickly without escalating it to management
• Promote a workplace vision where we don’t need to worry about bad behaviour, because it’s dealt with quickly in a safe and effective manner by management
• Counsel any hint of people believing or saying things like don’t be a dobber/grass/snitch/take your pick, mind your own business or the like

Because, silence isn’t loyalty – it’s avoidance.

And avoidance rarely leads to better outcomes over the long term – for the individuals or the workplace.

Turning courage into everyday leadership

If this resonates, the real work is helping leaders turn these principles into daily practice. Our management and leadership coaching supports leaders to build the courage, clarity and systems required to create cultures where speaking up is safe, expected and acted on. If you want to move beyond good intentions and shape a workplace where behaviour is addressed early and constructively, our coaching is designed to help you lead that shift.